Thanksgiving

I’m struggling again. I’ve had a bad week. I think it started last week. I tried studying for the midterms, but I knew I was too far behind. I spectacularly failed my grammar midterm. I have grammar every day; it’s really my main class. I have speaking and reading class each twice a week. On Monday we got our grammar tests returned to us. I actually got an F. I also got the lowest grade in my class. During a short break my teacher, Xian Laoshi (Teacher Xian) approached me. She asked me what was wrong and gave me a pep talk. She told me to study harder. She told me she had been away from home for two years, and that I just had to conquer my homesickness. Tuesday she came up and told me the midterm is only worth 30% of our grade and to make sure I keep trying, I can still pass the class. I got an A on the speaking midterm, and a C on the reading midterm. I failed the grammar test not because I don’t know grammar, but because I haven’t put the hours into memorizing the overwhelming amount of new characters.

The week didn’t get better. I really don’t have any friends here. I love Lisa, but outside the room or dinner we try not to hang out more than once a week, so we don’t get sick of each other. I also let her run me over and get whatever she wants most of the time, that’s no good. The other kids I just dislike. One person who I thought was a good friend has given up on me. I flaked out on them a couple times, when I was sad, and now they actively do not include me in activities. I feel like I’m in grade school. At home I don’t drink often, I like to cook, or play video games and go for walks. My interests are varied, but my idea of fun is usually relaxing. I think the others have just decided I’m not interesting or exciting, I’m one of the loser kids, and never get included in anything. Really it’s just too small a group. I have fun in class, I need to go out of my way to try and make new friends. But when I’m tired from fighting off the homesickness, I often don’t feel like going out of my way. Ugh.

So. The group split in half for Thanksgiving. Some people are staying in at someone’s apartment and cooking. Some are going out to dinner at a fancy hotel, the Shangri La, and having a Thanksgiving buffet. It’s really very expensive. I got in touch with one of the other people who is often left out; she and I are going to the hotel. But I don’t plan on spending much time with the others. It will be quiet and not emotionally satisfying at all. I miss home. There is only one Thanksgiving that could be tied for the worst; Rhea knows which one I mean.

Oh well. My next few posts will be more upbeat.