Complete Break Down

So the week before last was bad.

I was very homesick. It was making me anxious all the time, I couldn't sleep and started to skip meals.

It is difficult to explain. I like living here. Lisa and I have been getting along very well. I like Chengdu and feel safe here in the city. I know enough to walk, take the bus or a cab, I can get anything I need. I feel like I have been working hard and doing well here.
But not emotionally. It was also holding me back from making friends. I often dislike people my own age. It's difficult here, we are a small group and you can't avoid those people who you are not getting along with. I also have less in common with most people in this program. Most of them have two parents, who are paying for school, and a lot of them have travelled abroad before. I'm using financial aid to study in China, even though the credit isn't really going to help me graduate. I just wanted this life experience, and it's costing me more financially as well as emotionally.

It got so bad I decided to withdraw, and only stay 6 months and not the entire 11. I was deadly serious. I told my mom and Tanner. I talked with my TA here about how to leave responsibly. I did everything except tell the program directors back in Seattle.

My life here changed. I felt so relieved. I felt happier right away. I also felt motivated, leaving meant I had a whole list of things to cram into only three or four months, and not the rest of the year. That motivation stuck with me and started to drive away the anxiety. I started feeling healthier also.

This motivation stuck with me all week. I started to reconsider. Eddie, my TA here, (he gets paid to teach us a class, about how to be successful doing research here, thus he is a TA, but he is also our Go-To guy, he tells how to get places and do things for ourselves, he meets with us when we need a friend, and all sorts of other helpful things) promised me he would do anything he could to keep me here, and I really started thinking about what it would take to keep me here. Firstly I need to keep up this motivation, I think knowing I have it in me will help me through other lows I know will come. I also made a list of activities that will help me feel better here.

I think that I came through it all right. I feel optimistic. I've had a hard time feeling like my life in China was "real life." It really felt like a year off of studying and school, a year that I'm not spending well. I plan on doing AmeriCorps for one or two years after I graduate. It will feel good to volunteer but they also give you good job skills and leadership training if you compete for it. I searched through job postings and found some that wanted Mandarin speakers. I started to really think about how Chinese language and my research project can put me ahead in life. I also reached out to the kids who I am friends with here. I think that I can adjust more, and start to feel like this is "real life."

I don't think it will be easy, but I knew it wouldn't be. I knew a year would stretch me to my limit. It's not popular to say when you are 21, but my family is everything to me. I trace the year by holidays and what kinds of activities I can do with my mom. Thanksgiving, then decorating for Christmas, then gift giving, Rhea and I have done well in the last few years sving up and going overboard on giving mom gifts, then New Year's Eve, then in the spring going to buy flowers, etc. I may not always get along with Rhea but when we spontaneously get take out and chat all during lunch, I feel better for days. I just got to know Tanner and his family, but I feel like I've always known them. They treated me so well and included me so thoroughly this summer that I miss them almost as much as my own family. And I miss my own family terribly. I have really learned how important they are to me. There is a difference between living abroad and travelling. I enjoy travelling and all the experiences and adventures I have. But I have realized that living abroad is something different, and for me, something that won't work. I think that I won't ever be able to live by myself far away from Seattle for very long. A few years ago this would have felt like a tragedy, I really dreamed about living abroad. Now this feels like a revelation. I am one of those people who needs their family to stay sane and healthy. Seattle and the West Coast is a great place to live. I can have successful career and life there, and not have to live more then a few hours away from my mom, Rhea and perhaps Tanner's family.

I think I will be okay in China for a year. I think my breakdown has been resolved. I thought I would share it, I know a lot of my relatives were worried that being away from my family would be hard on me, and it is, but I think this one time I can handle it.

Besides, Tanner gets here in 6 weeks. Then I get to do research all of February. I think in the spring I'll come home for three weeks for spring break. The year will fly by.